Heaven Is Not for Everyone

A priest and a taxi driver both passed away on the same day and found themselves at the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter was waiting for them.

“Please follow me,” St. Peter said to the taxi driver, waving his hand.

The taxi driver followed obediently, and soon St. Peter led him to a massive mansion. It had everything one could imagine: an indoor theater, a heated pool, and even a personal golf course!

“Wow, thank you!” said the taxi driver, astonished and pleased with his good fortune in the afterlife.

Then, St. Peter turned to the priest, who seemed anxious and excited to see where he’d land. St. Peter led him to a small, run-down cabin. Inside was a creaky bunk bed and an old black-and-white TV with spotty reception.

“Excuse me, but isn’t there a mistake?” asked the shocked priest. “I was a PRIEST. I devoted my life to serving the church and spreading God’s word.”

St. Peter nodded thoughtfully. “True, but during your sermons, people fell asleep. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!”

Bus Driver Versus the Elderly

A tour bus driver was cruising around town with a bus full of elderly folks when, suddenly, a little old lady tapped him on the shoulder. She smiled while handing him a handful of peanuts. Gratefully, he munched them down, thinking, “Older people are generous and kind.”

About fifteen minutes later, she tapped him again and offered him another handful of peanuts, and he happily ate them.

This happened a few more times until, out of curiosity, he finally asked, “Why don’t you all eat the peanuts yourselves? Maybe pass them around to the rest of the passengers?”

“Oh, don’t worry about us, dear,” the old woman said with a sweet, toothless smile. “We just love sucking the chocolate off them.”

The Stranded Driver and the Horse

An out-of-towner accidentally drove his car into a ditch on a lonely stretch of road. Fortunately, a local farmer spotted him and came over with his big, strong horse named Buddy. The farmer offered to assist and hitched Buddy to the car before shouting, “Pull, Nellie, pull!”

Buddy didn’t budge.

Then the farmer called out, “Pull, Buster, pull!”

Buddy stayed still.

Once more, the farmer shouted, “Pull, Jennie, pull!”

Again, Buddy didn’t move.

Finally, the farmer casually said, “Alright, pull, Buddy, pull!” And just like that, Buddy easily pulled the car out of the ditch!

The motorist, grateful but puzzled, asked the farmer why he had called Buddy by different names before finally using his own.

The farmer chuckled and replied softly so the horse couldn’t hear, “Well, Buddy’s blind. If he thought he was pulling alone, he wouldn’t even bother trying!”

Police Officer Versus Driver

A driver got pulled over by a female police officer for speeding.

As she was writing up his ticket, she happened to glance inside his car and noticed several machetes lying on the passenger seat.

“What are those for?” she asked, clearly suspicious.

“I’m a juggler,” the driver explained. “They’re props for my act.”

The officer raised an eyebrow, feeling uncertain. “Prove it,” she demanded.

Sighing, the driver stepped out, grabbed the machetes, and began juggling them. He started with three, then added more until he was juggling seven at once! He tossed them overhand, underhand, even behind his back, dazzling the officer!

A passing driver slowed down, did a double-take, and muttered to himself, “Man, I really need to quit drinking! Look at the sobriety tests they’re using now!”

A Truck Driver and His Emu

One Monday, a truck driver strolled into a diner off the highway with a full-grown emu following close behind.

The waitress approached and asked for his order.

“I’ll take a burger, fries, and a coffee,” the truck driver said. He glanced at the emu, “What about you?”

“Sounds good to me. Same for me, please,” the emu replied.

Having seen it all, the waitress brought their food and told them, “That’ll be $10.50.”

The truck driver reached into his pocket, pulled out the exact change, and handed it over!

The next day, the duo returned. He ordered the same meal, and the emu echoed, “Same for me, please.”

Once again, the waitress charged him the same price, and he reached into his pocket, producing the exact change!

This continued for several days. Then, one evening, they walked in again, and the waitress asked, “The usual?”

“Nope, it’s Friday night. I’ll have a steak, baked potato, and a salad,” said the truck driver.

The emu chimed in, “Sounds great… same for me.”

The waitress brought their food and said, “That’ll be $32.65.”

Without missing a beat, the truck driver reached into his pocket and, once again, had the exact change!

Finally, the waitress couldn’t contain her curiosity. “Alright, I have to know. How do you always have the exact change on you every single time?”

The truck driver grinned. “Well, a few years back, I was cleaning out my shed and stumbled on an old lamp. When I polished it up, a genie popped out and granted me two wishes. My first wish was that anytime I had to pay for something, I could just reach in my pocket, and the exact change would be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the impressed waitress. “No need for a million bucks… you’ll never run out of money!”

“Exactly,” said the truck driver, smiling. “Whether it’s a pack of gum or a new car, I’ve always got the exact amount!”

The waitress, still eyeing the emu, finally curiously asked, “So, what about the bird?”

The truck driver sighed and shrugged. “Well, my second wish was for a tall bird with long legs and a great personality who’d agree with everything I say.”

Cab Driver Versus Drunk Passengers

After picking them up, the cab driver quickly realized his passengers were drunk, so he decided to have a little fun. He started the engine, let it idle for a few minutes, and then turned it off.

With a straight face, he turned to his passengers and said, “We’re here! You’ve arrived at your destination!”

The first guy fumbled for his wallet, handed the driver some cash, and stumbled out of the car. The second passenger thanked him as he followed suit, handing him his fare.

But the third man suddenly leaned in and slapped the cab driver across the face! Shocked, the driver thought, “Maybe this one wasn’t as drunk as I thought!”

“Hey, what was that for?” he protested, rubbing his sore cheek.

The third guy slurred, “Watch your speed next time! You almost got us all killed!”

Elderly Woman Offered a Ride

A woman was driving back from a business trip when she spotted an elderly lady walking along the side of the road. It was a long, lonely drive, so she pulled over and offered her a ride. Grateful, the elderly woman thanked her and climbed in.

As they continued down the road, they exchanged small talk until the elderly lady’s eyes fell on a brown bag sitting on the floor of her passenger seat. Curiously, she asked, “What’s in the bag?”

The woman glanced down at it and replied, “Oh, it’s a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband.”

The elderly woman paused, then nodded with a knowing smile and said, “Good trade.”

The Scientist and His Driver

One of the world’s top scientists was on his way to an important conference when he turned to his driver, who happened to resemble him a bit, and sighed, “I’m so TIRED of these conferences. I keep giving the same talk over and over!”

The driver nodded. “You know, I’ve been to every one of your talks, and even though I’m no scientist, I think I could give your speech with ease by now.”

The scientist chuckled, then had a sudden idea. “Why don’t we switch places? You can give the talk, and I’ll take a break!”

They swapped clothes, and as soon as they arrived, the driver, now dressed as the scientist, confidently walked onto the stage and began delivering the usual lecture. The real scientist, now disguised as the driver, took a seat in the audience.

Everything was going smoothly until a man in the audience, eager to show off, raised his hand and asked an incredibly complicated question, hoping to stump the “scientist.”

The entire room fell silent, waiting for the response. But without missing a beat, the driver looked the man square in the eye and replied, “Sir, your question is so simple that I’ll let my driver here answer it for you.”

Driver Versus Farmer

A driver was cruising down the highway when, out of nowhere, a calf darted across the road. Unable to stop in time, he accidentally hit the young animal. Feeling guilty, he tracked down the calf’s owner and explained what had happened, then asked, “What would the calf have been worth?”

The farmer scratched his head and replied, “Well, right now it’s worth about $200. But in six years, it would’ve been worth $900. So that’s what I’m losing out on, $900.”

The driver nodded deep in thought, sat down, and wrote out a check.

Handing it to the greedy farmer, he said, “Here’s a check for $900… postdated six years from now.”

Two Elderly Ladies on the Road

Two senior ladies were out for a leisurely Sunday drive, both barely able to see over the dashboard. As they approached an intersection, the light was red, but they cruised right through it! The passenger blinked, wondering if she was imagining things. “Did we just run a red light?” she thought.

A few minutes later, they approached another red light and, once again, sailed straight through! Now the passenger was almost sure something was off, but part of her still wondered if she was mistaken.

Determined to pay close attention, she watched intently as they came to a third intersection. The light turned red, and yet again, they breezed through it!

“Susan!” she shouted, finally unable to hold back. “Do you realize we’ve just blown through three red lights? We could have been killed!”

“Oh!” Susan replied, looking startled. “Wait… am I driving?”

If those jokes were up your alley, then you’ll love the next ones that are based on friends. Get ready to laugh at quirky older people, mischievous friends, and more!