A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
Loved this ? Here are more jokes like this:
Joke 1: The Bible Study Confusion
Joke: At Bible study, the teacher asked, “Who can tell me who wrote the Book of Revelation?” One member replied, “I think it was the guy who wrote ‘The Real Housewives of Heaven’—but I’m not sure, maybe I’ve got my genres mixed up!”
Commentary:
This joke gently teases the idea that modern pop culture sometimes blurs our understanding of ancient texts. With a tongue-in-cheek reference to TV shows and contemporary media, it reminds us to keep our spiritual studies lively while laughing at our own occasional misinterpretations. The humor is meant to be light and in good taste, inviting everyone to have a little fun with what might otherwise be a solemn subject.
Joke 2: The Choir Rehearsal Surprise
Joke: The church choir director said, “Remember, our performance today is all about harmony!” One choir member whispered to another, “I wish my life were that simple—if only I could hit my notes as easily as I hit the snooze button!”
Commentary:
Many can relate to the struggle of waking up for early rehearsals! The punchline playfully contrasts the idea of musical harmony with the everyday challenge of oversleeping. It’s a reminder that even in the midst of structured rehearsals and precise notes, a little humor about our human foibles can bring us together in laughter.
Joke 3: The Tech-Savvy Pastor
Joke: The pastor announced, “I’ve just upgraded our church’s sound system—now you can hear my sermons on Bluetooth!” A congregant joked back, “Great! But can it also stream your jokes live during service?”
Commentary:
Here, we have a modern spin on traditional sermons. As technology becomes an increasingly prominent part of our lives, even church services are getting high-tech updates. The playful exchange between the pastor and a congregant highlights how humor can bridge generational gaps and bring everyone together over common interests, like the latest gadgets and streaming technology.
Joke 4: The Parking Lot Miracle
Joke: A churchgoer joked, “I prayed for a miracle this morning and found a parking spot right in front of the church. I’m calling it a ‘parking lot prophecy!’”
Commentary:
Parking can be a daily struggle, and for many, finding a spot close to the church is nothing short of miraculous. This joke plays on the idea of divine intervention in everyday problems. It’s a humorous way to acknowledge that little blessings, however mundane, can feel like true miracles when we’re on our way to worship.
Joke 5: The Lost Bible Verse
Joke: A member said, “I lost my Bible this morning. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find it!” Another whispered, “Maybe it’s hiding in plain sight—like all the verses you can’t remember on Sundays!”
Commentary:
Memory lapses are a common part of life, and this joke turns the frustration of misplacing one’s Bible into a playful quip. It captures the humorous side of our imperfect recollections while attending church, reminding us that sometimes even our most cherished books can have a mind of their own when it comes to hiding in plain sight.
Joke 6: The Overenthusiastic Ushers
Joke: At the church door, an usher greeted everyone by saying, “Welcome! We’ve got a special seat reserved just for you… and it’s been extra blessed with a cushion of mercy!” One attendee responded, “I hope it’s also reserved with extra Wi-Fi!”
Commentary:
This joke highlights the warm and welcoming nature of church ushers while adding a modern twist. The humorous reference to Wi-Fi—a necessity in today’s world—creates a playful contrast between age-old traditions of hospitality and the contemporary expectations of technology, all in good fun.
Joke 7: The Sunday School Lesson
Joke: The Sunday School teacher asked, “Can anyone tell me what Noah built?” A little boy eagerly replied, “A giant boat… and lots of ‘ark’-itectural wonders!”
Commentary:
Using a pun on “arkitectural,” this joke pays tribute to the classic story of Noah’s ark while adding a whimsical twist. The innocent humor of a child’s perspective brings light and laughter to the lesson, showing how even well-known biblical narratives can be given a fun, modern spin.
Joke 8: The Miracle of Multiplication
Joke: After the sermon on multiplication, a congregant joked, “I tried multiplying my paycheck, but instead of loaves and fishes, I ended up with just extra bills and some fish sticks!”
Commentary:
This joke plays on the biblical miracle of multiplying loaves and fishes by comparing it to the modern financial struggle. It satirically highlights the contrast between spiritual abundance and everyday economic challenges. The clever comparison reminds us that sometimes, despite our best efforts, not everything multiplies as miraculously as we’d like in our daily lives.
Joke 9: The New Hymn Lyrics
Joke: A church member said, “I tried writing new lyrics for our hymn, and now it goes, ‘Amen, let’s order pizza again!’” The congregation burst into laughter, agreeing that sometimes tradition should just stick to the original verses.
Commentary:
Tradition often holds a special place in church communities, and this joke humorously ponders what might happen if beloved hymns were replaced with modern, casual expressions. It’s a lighthearted jab that celebrates the balance between honoring long-standing traditions and embracing our everyday cravings—even if that means substituting sacred verses with a call for pizza!
Joke 10: The Heavenly Weather Forecast
Joke: The church weather report read, “Today’s forecast: 100% chance of raining blessings with intermittent divine showers.” One fellow churchgoer quipped, “I just hope my umbrella is strong enough for a holy downpour!”
Commentary:
By merging the mundane task of checking the weather with a heavenly twist, this joke offers a playful reimagining of everyday forecasts. The imagery of “divine showers” lightens the mood and makes us smile, reminding us that a little creative humor can make even the most ordinary moments seem special.
Joke 11: The Confession Mix-Up
Joke: In confession, a man whispered, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest replied, “I already forgave you last week—it seems you’ve sent me duplicate emails again!”
Commentary:
This joke playfully equates the timeless act of confession with the modern annoyance of receiving duplicate emails. It draws a humorous parallel between ancient practices and our current digital experiences, providing a chuckle without compromising the respect due to the sacrament.
Joke 12: The Sunday Drive-Thru
Joke: A congregant joked, “I wished I could attend church in my pajamas and use a drive-thru for communion. That way, my coffee and prayers could all be delivered to my car!”
Commentary:
Imagine merging the comfort of home with the convenience of modern service! This joke humorously blends the casual attire of modern life with the sacred tradition of communion. It underscores the playful side of wanting to combine every possible convenience—even in our spiritual practices—without diminishing the value of our religious observances.
Joke 13: The Eternal Youth Sermon
Joke: During a sermon on eternal youth, a member quipped, “I’d like to thank the Lord for giving me enough energy to sing those 100 verses in the hymn. If only my shoes could keep up!”
Commentary:
Longevity and vitality are often topics of both serious reflection and humor. The joke gently teases the idea of eternal youth by playfully remarking on the energy required for singing long hymn verses. It’s a reminder that faith and humor can coexist, making even the most profound topics accessible and relatable.
Joke 14: The Sermon Whisperer
Joke: After a particularly engaging sermon, an usher leaned over and whispered, “Do you think we could record that on our phones? My memory can’t keep up with all those good points!”
Commentary:
This joke captures the modern reality of recording everything on our smartphones—even sermons. It humorously suggests that sometimes the message is so profound that the only way to capture it is to rely on technology. It’s a nod to how our desire to remember everything can blend with our spiritual experiences in fun and unexpected ways.
Joke 15: The Sunday Morning Coffee
Joke: A church regular remarked, “I attend Sunday service not just for the sermon, but also for the heavenly aroma of the post-service coffee. That cup of joe is a miracle every time!”
Commentary:
Coffee—and the fellowship that comes with sharing it—has a special place in many communities. This joke celebrates the simple joy of a good cup of coffee after church service, equating it humorously with a divine miracle. It’s a reminder that sometimes the smallest blessings can brighten our day.
Joke 16: The Disco Revival
Joke: When the church decided to try a fundraiser with a disco night theme, one attendee said, “I haven’t seen these many dance moves since Moses parted the Red Sea—now that’s what I call a miracle on the dance floor!”
Commentary:
This joke juxtaposes an iconic biblical miracle with modern dance moves at a church event. The playful comparison is both unexpected and amusing, showing how even ancient narratives can be reimagined in contemporary settings. It brings a smile to anyone who’s ever experienced the vibrant energy of community celebrations.
Joke 17: The Gospel According to Social Media
Joke: A young church member posted online, “When my pastor preaches, it’s like reading the Gospel according to Instagram—beautiful visuals with inspiring hashtags!” One friend responded, “Amen to that—#BlessedBeyondMeasure!”
Commentary:
This modern joke brings together the ancient art of preaching with the contemporary world of social media. It cleverly highlights how inspirational messages are now often delivered with a twist of modern culture, complete with hashtags and visual flair. It’s a humorous nod to how digital life and faith can blend in our everyday conversations.
Joke 18: The Eternal Wait
Joke: An elderly member of the congregation said, “I’ve been waiting for the second coming since I was a kid—if only my grandkids could come up with a schedule to remind me, like the church bulletin!”
Commentary:
With a gentle poke at the long, often unpredictable wait for divine events, this joke uses humor to lighten the mood about patience and expectation. It’s a self-aware observation that, while some things are timeless, even we mortals sometimes need a little reminder of life’s passing moments in the form of a schedule or bulletin.
Joke 19: The Holy GPS
Joke: A congregant joked, “I tried using my GPS to find the path to salvation, but all I got was, ‘Recalculating route… please wait for a miracle!’”
Commentary:
This joke playfully equates the task of finding spiritual direction with the sometimes frustrating experience of navigating modern technology. It reminds us that even in our digital age, the journey to spiritual fulfillment might require a bit more than just following directions—sometimes, it calls for a genuine miracle.
Joke 20: The Blessed Selfie
Joke: After church, a member tweeted, “Caught the best part of the sermon—my blessed selfie in the pews. #HolySmiles” Another replied, “Your face was truly a reflection of heavenly joy!”
Commentary:
Social media and selfies have become a ubiquitous part of modern life, and this joke brings that trend into the church with playful reverence. It jokes about capturing moments of joy in unexpected ways while celebrating the blend of tradition and modernity in a fun, contemporary style.
Joke 21: The Pastor’s New Sermon Series
Joke: The pastor announced a new sermon series titled “Confessions of a Procrastinator.” One attendee whispered, “I’ll get there next week—after I finish reading last week’s series!”
Commentary:
This self-deprecating joke highlights the all-too-common human habit of procrastination. It’s a humorous reminder that even those who lead our spiritual journeys are not immune to our everyday challenges. The joke creates a relatable moment where everyone can laugh at our shared tendency to put things off.
Joke 22: The Choir Robbery
Joke: After a particularly energetic choir practice, one member joked, “The way we hit those high notes, it was like we stole them right from the heavens!” Another quipped, “And we got away with it—no alarms, just heavenly choirs on standby!”
Commentary:
This playful joke envisions the choir’s performance as an audacious “heist” of celestial sounds. It blends the sublime with the absurd, celebrating both the discipline of musical performance and the joy that comes from a spirited, unified effort. It’s a fun way to highlight the extraordinary talents found within the church community.
Joke 23: The Holy Water Mishap
Joke: A church janitor once remarked, “I tried using holy water on the floors, but I ended up making them extra slippery—turns out even miracles need a caution sign!”
Commentary:
This joke spins a humorous tale about the unexpected consequences of using religious elements in everyday tasks. It reminds us that even with divine interventions, human practicality always plays a part—sometimes with a little unintended comic relief. The imagery of slippery floors adds a physical comedy element to the story.
Joke 24: The Eternal Potluck
Joke: During the church potluck, one member said, “I brought my famous casserole, but it must be eternal because people keep going back for seconds and thirds!” Another replied, “Next time, you’ll need to file for a food miracle permit!”
Commentary:
A church potluck is a cherished tradition that sometimes takes on epic proportions. This joke celebrates the communal love for shared meals while humorously exaggerating the popularity of one’s dish as if it were the result of a miracle. It’s a delicious blend of culinary pride and communal humor.
Joke 25: The Lost Hymn Book
Joke: An usher once whispered, “I lost the hymn book again. I’m starting to think it’s hiding from me—maybe it’s off on its own pilgrimage!” The congregation laughed, suggesting it had found a new home in the choir loft.
Commentary:
Losing a hymn book is a common mishap during busy services. This joke gives the lost book a personality and a sense of adventure, imagining it embarking on a spiritual journey of its own. The humor lies in the absurdity of an object having agency, making a lighthearted commentary on everyday church life.
Joke 26: The Congregation’s Favorite Pacer
Joke: A church member noted, “The only time our congregation runs is when the pastor announces, ‘Time for fellowship!’ I wish I had that kind of motivation every morning!”
Commentary:
This playful quip touches on the energizing effect that church announcements can have on a community. It humorously suggests that the promise of fellowship can be just as motivating as any physical exercise, turning the simple act of gathering into a source of unexpected vitality. It’s a warm reminder that communal encouragement can spark a little extra movement—and laughter—every day.
Joke 27: The Hushed Library
Joke: At the church library, one visitor whispered, “I tried borrowing a book on divine intervention, but it said it was reserved by God!” Another said, “Well, that’s one overdue book we’ll never be able to check out!”
Commentary:
This joke adds a bit of playful divine bureaucracy to the quiet sanctum of the church library. It’s a gentle reminder that sometimes even the infinite might appear to have a system in place, all in a humorous, irreverent yet respectful tone.
Joke 28: The Eternal Volunteer
Joke: A dedicated volunteer at the church remarked, “I’ve been serving here so long, I’m practically a relic of the congregation!” When asked if she ever planned to retire, she smiled and said, “Retirement? I’m more like a blessed antique!”
Commentary:
This humorous take on long-time service celebrates those who have dedicated themselves to the church over the years. The term “blessed antique” is a playful nod to longevity and cherished contributions, wrapped in affectionate humor that honors tradition without taking itself too seriously.
Joke 29: The Digital Sermon
Joke: After a recent service, a young member said, “The pastor’s sermon was so powerful, I almost hit ‘like’ on my phone mid-sermon—and that was before the Wi-Fi thanked me for it!”
Commentary:
This joke reflects the modern habit of instantly sharing our experiences online, even during sacred moments. It playfully contrasts the traditional act of listening to a sermon with the impulse of interacting on social media, showing that even our most reverent moments can have a wink of contemporary humor.
Joke 30: The Multifunctional Church Bell
Joke: The church bell rang so frequently, one congregant joked, “I’m starting to think our bell is like a multifunction printer—calling us to service, meetings, and maybe even a pizza delivery!”
Commentary:
Here, we take a humorous look at an everyday symbol of church life—the bell. By comparing it to a multifunctional device, the joke cleverly comments on how constant reminders can become part of our routine, while adding an absurd twist that connects tradition with modern expectations.
Joke 31: The Preaching Marathon
Joke: A devoted listener quipped, “Our pastor’s sermons are so long that by the end, even the Bible starts asking for an intermission!”
Commentary:
This joke exaggerates the length of a sermon in a humorous way, playing on the familiar feeling of sitting through an epic talk. It’s a playful nod to the dedication of the congregation, who, despite the extended messages, appreciate every word—even if they might need an imaginary intermission.
Joke 32: The Holy Self-Check-Out
Joke: After borrowing several hymnals and prayer books, a congregant said at the church exit, “I just wish the self-check-out line was as divine as the inspiration inside!”
Commentary:
This humorous comparison turns the mundane process of checking out library books into a tongue-in-cheek reflection on modern convenience meeting spiritual depth. It’s a witty way to note that while technology might make things easier, nothing compares to the richness of divine inspiration found in those pages.
Joke 33: The Sunday Morning Sprint
Joke: One Sunday, a congregant commented, “I ran to church so fast this morning that I feel like I should get a medal for ‘Sprint of the Spirit!’”
Commentary:
This joke melds physical activity with spiritual fervor, humorously recognizing how sometimes the hustle to get to church can feel heroic. It playfully suggests that even our everyday rushes might deserve recognition—albeit in the form of a lighthearted award for spiritual speed.
Joke 34: The Prayer Request Hotline
Joke: A church volunteer joked, “We’re starting a prayer request hotline. If your Wi-Fi is down, just dial our number and press ‘Amen’!”
Commentary:
Fusing technology with age-old practices, this joke envisions a modern hotline for prayer requests. It highlights how traditional support can be reinvented with a dash of humor, ensuring that divine help is just a phone call—or a few taps—away, no matter what.
Joke 35: The Sermon Evaluation
Joke: After a service, an attendee remarked, “I rate our pastor’s sermons with five stars—if only I could leave a review on Yelp for that amount of inspiration!”
Commentary:
This joke imagines a world where even the most sacred sermons are subject to modern review systems. It playfully suggests that spiritual nourishment would be just as commendable in an online rating system, blending reverence with the everyday habit of sharing opinions on digital platforms.
Joke 36: The Congregational Choir’s GPS
Joke: During choir rehearsal, one singer joked, “I need a GPS for my part—last time I got lost in the harmony and ended up in the wrong verse!”
Commentary:
A lighthearted dig at the sometimes-chaotic experience of group singing, this joke humorously compares keeping track of musical parts to navigating unfamiliar territory with a GPS. It’s a reminder that even in well-rehearsed groups, a little direction might go a long way in keeping harmony intact.
Joke 37: The Celestial Cookbook
Joke: After the church bake sale, one member quipped, “I followed a recipe that promised ‘miraculous results’—turns out, my cookies were more like ‘divinely delicious disasters!’”
Commentary:
This humorous take on baking mishaps brings together the idea of divine inspiration and everyday kitchen challenges. It’s a playful reminder that even when things don’t turn out perfectly, a little laughter—and perhaps a touch of heavenly intervention—can make up for the culinary imperfections.
Joke 38: The Elevator Sermon
Joke: A churchgoer said, “I once got stuck in an elevator during a sermon, and by the time I was free, I’d heard an entire sermon on ‘patience and perseverance!’”
Commentary:
This joke utilizes the common experience of an elevator delay to draw a humorous parallel with spiritual lessons. It’s a playful observation on how sometimes life’s forced pauses can offer unexpected opportunities for reflection—albeit in a most unconventional setting.
Joke 39: The Sunday School Art Project
Joke: A Sunday School teacher announced an art project on Noah’s ark, and one kid proudly said, “I brought all my crayons—because even an ark needs a little divine color to survive the flood!”
Commentary:
By blending childhood creativity with biblical narratives, this joke highlights the humorous innocence of young minds. It celebrates the idea that even a simple art project can carry the weight of imagination and a touch of heavenly inspiration when seen through the eyes of a child.
Joke 40: The Blessing Basket
Joke: During a church fundraiser, an attendee remarked, “I donated to the blessing basket—because if money can’t buy miracles, at least it can help pay for a little extra grace at the bake sale!”
Commentary:
This final joke humorously touches on the concept of giving and receiving blessings in a modern, relatable context. It playfully juxtaposes the idea of financial contributions with the notion of divine grace, creating a clever pun that resonates with anyone who’s ever chuckled at the thought of buying a little extra ‘miraculous’ help.
Adrian Hawthorne is a celebrated author and dedicated archivist who finds inspiration in the hidden stories of the past. Educated at Oxford, he now works at the National Archives, where preserving history fuels his evocative writing. Balancing archival precision with creative storytelling, Adrian founded the Hawthorne Institute of Literary Arts to mentor emerging writers and honor the timeless art of narrative.