I kept those two hospital bracelets.
They’re in the top drawer of my dresser in Old Greenwich. In a little wooden box Benjamin painted for me at preschool. Blue and pink polka dots. Very lopsided.
MERCER, BABY BOY. 3:14 a.m.
MERCER, BABY GIRL. 3:16 a.m.
Some nights, after the twins are asleep in their bunk beds, I take the bracelets out. And I hold them.
Not to punish myself. Dr. Riggs says that doesn’t help anybody.
I hold them to remember.
That I was given twenty-eight chances to come home.
And I didn’t take one.
So now I take every single chance I’m given. Every Wednesday. Every other weekend. Every fever. Every story time. Every scraped knee and every bad dream and every three a.m. “Daddy, I need water.”
Last Saturday morning, I was making pancakes in my little kitchen. Abigail was “helping.” Which means she was standing on a chair covered in flour.
Benjamin came in holding a crayon drawing.
“Daddy. Look.”
It was four stick figures. A big one with yellow hair. Two little ones. And one more big one, off to the side, with brown hair and a spatula.
“That’s Mommy,” Benjamin said, pointing. “That’s me and Abby. And that’s you.”
“Why am I holding a spatula, buddy?”
He looked at me like it was obvious.
“Because you always come make pancakes,” he said.
I hung that drawing on my refrigerator.
It’s the most valuable thing I own.
Twenty-eight calls. That’s how many times I didn’t show up.
I’m on my four hundred and twelfth Saturday now. I’ve counted every one.
I’m going to keep counting.
For as long as they’ll let me.
Sophia Rivers is an experienced News Content Editor with a sharp eye for detail and a passion for delivering accurate and engaging news stories. At TheArchivists, she specializes in curating, editing, and presenting news content that informs and resonates with a global audience.
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