He talked for a long time. I let him.
He told me it started about a year after the accident. Right around the time things were supposed to be getting easier.
“Everybody kept telling me how great I was doing,” he said. “My mom. My brother. The guys at work. ‘You’re a saint, Ashton. You’re amazing. She’s so lucky to have you.’ And I’d smile and say thanks. And then I’d go sit in my truck in the parking lot at work and not be able to make myself go inside.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because what was I going to say? ‘I’m tired’? You were the one who lost your sight. You were the one who had to learn how to walk again. I wasn’t allowed to be tired.”
He said he’d started worrying all the time. At work. In meetings. On job sites.
“I’d be standing on a slab of concrete on some job in Hillsboro, and I’d think, what if she falls down the stairs? What if she leaves the stove on? What if she gets on the wrong bus? What if something happens and I’m forty miles away and she can’t find her phone?”
“Ashton, I’ve been taking the bus by myself for a year.”
“I know,” he said. “I know. I know you’ve learned to do almost everything by yourself. I watched you do it. But I kept worrying anyway. I couldn’t turn it off.”
He said he started sleeping three or four hours a night. He started making mistakes at work. Small ones at first. Then a big one. He’d missed an inspection deadline on a project, and his boss had pulled him into an office and given him a formal warning.
“I almost lost my job in March,” he said quietly. “I didn’t tell you that either.”
I sat there and stared at the blurry shape of him.
“And so I’d come home exhausted,” he said. “And little things would bother me. A cabinet door left open. A pan in the wrong place. And then you’d knock over a glass of water, and I’d snap at you, and I’d see your face…”
His voice broke.
“I’d see your face, Sutton. And I’d hate myself. I’d lie awake for hours thinking about how unfair I was being to you. How you didn’t deserve any of it. And the next day I’d be even more tired, and I’d snap again.”
Lila Hart is a dedicated Digital Archivist and Research Specialist with a keen eye for preserving and curating meaningful content. At TheArchivists, she specializes in organizing and managing digital archives, ensuring that valuable stories and historical moments are accessible for generations to come.
Lila earned her degree in History and Archival Studies from the University of Edinburgh, where she cultivated her passion for documenting the past and preserving cultural heritage. Her expertise lies in combining traditional archival techniques with modern digital tools, allowing her to create comprehensive and engaging collections that resonate with audiences worldwide.
At TheArchivists, Lila is known for her meticulous attention to detail and her ability to uncover hidden gems within extensive archives. Her work is praised for its depth, authenticity, and contribution to the preservation of knowledge in the digital age.
Driven by a commitment to preserving stories that matter, Lila is passionate about exploring the intersection of history and technology. Her goal is to ensure that every piece of content she handles reflects the richness of human experiences and remains a source of inspiration for years to come.